Monday, May 7
Been awhile since I decided to get you out of my system but to be completely honest, there are days that i've cheated. Some days are a cycle of staying away, feeling the distance, getting curious, fighting the urge, failing, regretting it and vowing to stay away again. What is it about you that's so addictive? Every time I make progress I start to feel the distance grow wider, and then I realize how unwilling I am to let go. You were a significant part of my life for a long time, and years later you still are. Even if its only in my mind. I still remember the first time we spoke, the first thing you said to me. How I was smitten by you after that and asked my friends to help get to know you better. How that went on to become a bunch of really good times and then downright fuckery. But we always managed to forgive each other and stayed in the other's lives. Now i'm wondering about how things would've turned out if all of that didn't happen. Would you have gone on dating the person you were with? Lasted? Where would I be now? Would I have been happier? I wish life was more like an adventure book where you chose its outcomes. At least if you got it wrong you'd be redirected to a save point, where you'd choose another option. Goddamn man, all this over ONE GIRL. One is all it takes to screw up your sense of self and direction. I hope I make better progress, seriously. Don't know how long this is going to drag out. Its really unfair not only for myself but anyone i'm with now or in the future. Oh well let go let god right, whatever they say.
